ALIVE

I've been spinning around circles and now that I left the circle I stopped, now I can look at the horizon and be happy, I don't have the answer about unlove someone, but if you left the one you love and never see him again you're going to' feel pain at the beginning, I cried like I've never done but now that I spent all the tears and spent all the time I needed, now I can shine again, I will return the sing lessons and maybe I'll buy a new guitar and all the songs I wrote for him will find a way out and maybe could change someone's mind and a way out of the pain, I'll probably make a group and find a job, it's hard to find one but there's no win without any loose. I have to finish high school first.

—XOXO Lalo

Farewell. I'll miss you forever.

I can't stop crying I can't stop pretending I'm happy I can't live without him, I am overfilling of feelings I don't want my life like this nobody can help me just me, and it's harder and harder everyday I readed that you have to give 3 days for your brain to keep calm and carry on but I can't it's my third day and I still feel like it was an hour ago when he said “Goodbye”

Farewell. I hate myself for not telling what I feel for you, like someone said: “It's better regret what you've done than regret what you've never done.”

You'll always have my pen but you'll never know it's mie.

Lately

From the last post I made 'till today my life changed a little bit, my friend have noticed that something's happening to me and he feels bad for me because he can't do nothing but he can't realise that even if I tell him what's wrong with me he can't do nothing or what? He's going to listen he maybe will say something irrelevant that will not fulfill my problem and… done. After telling him I know he will be worse 'cuz there's no thing he could do for me to' feel better, my mom is cheating my dad and I'm not right with my feelings I am like an atomic-bomb and I don't want to use him as my Japan, thing that he told me he want to be, but I can't tell him my problems after knowing what he thinks about me. I will explain:

1. He knew a new friends group.

2. He doesn't like watching me around his friend house, I don't know why but it's like if he doesn't want me to know him/them because it's easy to me make friends even if I knew them before and I think he's afraid about that. I will never steal his friend…

3. He told me exactly: “I knew {Friendname} just for 6 months and when I see him I already know what's going on on his life, but when I see you, I don't know what's going on, and I feel bad because I think you are more important to me than {friendname} ”

Thats it, what I have to do? After he told me that I stopped talking I couldn't believe that my best friend think that best friends are those who tell all the things each other, not the ones that would ask 65€ to his parents for his friend because this one lost the money the other trusted.

Xoxo Lalo

"No regrets, no apologizes, just your life, just your decisions."

Slutty Bitch

I realise that I am the slutty bitch of my friends group, OMG! I am mean, if I have the opportunity to steal my friends boyfriends, well... I could never do that, I am not the Slutty thing but I think that I could be dating more than one guy at a time, but it's just like a dream? Maybe I am such a bitch, I just want to date someone for hurting him/them, I know it's wrong but in my mind sounds... ok even worse but... ok that's no excuses to be such a bitch slutty mother bitch fu*** OMG! This blog is like a QUEEN blog, I am not like that I don't know why in my blog I always act like this. Well, let's start from the beggining.

Since I was born I always feel that something is different inside of me, like what I feel for boys? after watching "Jurasic Park" and fall in love with that skinny little boy (Joseph Mazzello) please, don't look at me like that at 5 years old I was in love with that kid just because I was a kid, lol. Well I couldn't tell anybody about it just because my parents would probably hit me or even I thought they were going to sent in adoption! It wasn't a wrong thought btw... After years of knowing what was going on with me I constantly felt things about guys and that thing was always on my mind, well is still only in my mind, and in that blog. Some boy have flirt with me?  or something like this but I said always a big NO. I really wanted to kiss them hold them but I always thought about the consequences and what a child never want is to loose his family even if that means not loving anyone, now that I'm 19 I think about all the things I lost and all the things I need and nobody can give me, so I made a pact with myself, I have to send all my angry and pain out of my body and my first "boyfriend" (when I get one) will recive the damage, but that's not the solution and that was just a thing that I wrote in my moleskine, a thing I will never do, a thing that should never be written, but I think that always the damage is explodes in my face, even if I throw it in someone else face.

I don't like being a slutty bitch, I am not a slutty bitch, just a guy who felt pain and was looking for fix those things in a wrong way, hope someone will get me out of the pain and never let me fall down like I did last year.

xoxo. Lalo

"No regrets, no apologizes, just your life, just your decisions."

SCREAMO

Have you ever felt like the sheets are tight and you need space, but when you stand up of the bed and see your room the space from you to the walls are even smaller than the space that the sheets lets you to breath. That's the moment when you just run away from your house to look for some place with oxigen, some space, breath, no problems, nothing to care about, nothing, absolutly nothing, but here's the problem, there's no place where you can hide from your problems, 'cause they're in this place where you can't run away from, and this place, is you.

good night. Lalo.

Lalo it's me, I think I should hide my real name for a while, or forever, Lalo is the contraction of my real name, it's cool and just 1 person have called me like that, he was like my best/first crash, like first love? I mean someone who I could reach. But that's another story. xoxo.

"No regrets, no apologizes, just your life, just your decisions."

ROGER RABBIT

Friends, they're everything in highschool, but after that, they're nothing. People don't realise about it until it happens, nobody can help you the lonelyness they left inside you is like your family have left you in a small corner. That's why people try to find that person who complete them who will never let them alone, who will love you 'till the life ends.

The sad true is that no everyone find it, some people just settle for one person who just will never leave even if they don't feel love, that makes me sad. I want someone in my life who loves me as I will.

But first I have to fall out of love and set me free of the prison that I got myself into, find a new way in life, get out of the pain in my chest thats just enough of being like that crap I am already 19 it's time to be loved time to be me time to be like I want not hiding it is just my birthday wish "Be me" not like whe I blew the candles... "J." good wish... he will always my wish but come on!! To waste a wish I could have asked for the moon. Overall, my wish will never meet ...

It's because of me! Everything I am just too "shy?" it's not the perfect word but I am afraid, like really afraid about rejection he will never be with someone like me, I don't feel that I'm enough to complete someone, or I'm not too pretty or sexy, those things are for the people who's in the movies and their attractive are just hide into the character, but then they're fuck sexy. I am not like that, not ugly, a bit pretty, but not enough, that's why I added that video in the post, this song define my situation about that mad thing, is like if he's singing to me and saying "Tell him, untile is too late."

Nobody's gonna feel your pain 

When all is done  

and it's time for you to walk away

Love xxxx bye
- Lalo.

"No regrets, no apologizes, just your life, just your decisions."

August 13th

The difference between a lie and a white lie is that the first hurts and the second is irrelevant, but when you find the lie that could broke your family you just have 2 options, tell the truth and break your family or just hide it and hope it was just a dream. In the summer my family and I used to go to the field, we hang and play with my cousins, when everyone left I was alone in the house, and my mother's phone started ringing it was a Jose calling and I didn't pick up the phone, then I was discovering that my mother had WhatsApp and she never told me! I whatched a conversation with Jose and they was flirting!! Like TRULY dirty flirting! My mom was cheating on my dad! no way, I started to cry I went to the bathroom I didn't know what to do what to feel it was right it was my fault it was my dad fault, anyone else was knowing it? The only thing I had right in that moment was my parents relationship, I've been always thinking they were the perfect couple and now I know that

"not everything that shines is gold"

I remember the dinner it was like if I was drowing with every bite, the salad was tearing me down, but I was there eating watching TV wishing to go out and scream as loud as I can. Even today I don't know what to do what to say I'm stock with that, should I tell someone? should I be just that quiet?  I don't know.

Love xxxx bye
- Lalo.

"No regrets, no apologizes, just your life, just your decisions."

https://oload.stream/stream/CmoFmAWMTG4~1517044100~88.12.0.0~13w2oM18?mime=true
https://oload.stream/stream/eQHWD3UJUI4~1517654062~83.39.0.0~tqE82mr1?mime=true

Insomnia

There's a lot of doctors around the world, a lot of people in the university learning about mental diseases, but is only you the one who knows what happens in your head, like me right now. I will turn 19 years old, my apocalypse is near! Everyone have been looking for love or looking for something, I just don't think I could find it, a place, a lover, even if I try. Love have been always a tabu subject for me just because I like boys, nobody knows it, and I already have a homo friend, lately I don't know if he's my friend, but that is another story that I am not going to write about because it doesn't make any sense. This year have a name, surname and last name J., yeah it's the first time I write that name, I can't even pretend I am not nervous just hearing this name, he's my teacher, but not a school teacher or something like that, he's my driving school teacher, not so gorgeous but still damn lovely, he have blue eyes and are the bluest eye I've ever seen I think he should be on the Record Guiness book. He's my longer crash and the onlyone who made me loose my mind for a while, {eventrytokillmyself} I can't even remember my life before I met him just so weird, I was happy! DAMN HAPPY! I miss myself, the one who laugh about everything, the stupid boy who make laugh even the most rude boy of the class and nobody try to know who's him 'cause everybody knows.

Now I'm the boy who sits in the corner of the class and don't talk to anyone 'cause the onlyone who want to hear a word from is J. and he's not looking for me specially... he's looking for "a good cunt for having fun" I think I should buy one of them, every guy want one, where do people sell them? {JustKiddin'} I love being a man. J. is not homo, but sometimes I thought he was, I am a masculine boy not those princess who call themselfs "bitxess!!" and his signs were like: ·Touching my hair A LOT! ·Putting his hand on the back of my neck HELLO?! ·Making fun of my face when I recently woke up and the he said "he's prettier but he just have morning face" ·"-You know how I want you? -What!? -How I want you to said, I said." WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? He always say it to every guy! Hello!?

But no matter what signs or something I think I lost him, yeah, he must have girlfriend he act weird and he doesn't say or make any of those things I mentioned he just sit on the car seat and say "left" "right" I'm done with him, I know it's not good for my brain thinking those things all night long but it's just the only time I have for me! The time when nobody tell me nothing and I can put my speakers on and leave the town and let's have my diary insomnia. So no matter what the signs tell you, just hear what your heart says and if you feel that there's nothing left to do or you think it's a waste of time telling what you feel then you're like me, and if you are strong enough to tell everyone how you feel about them, then, you're my F hero.

love xxxx bye.
-Lalo.

"No regrets, no apologizes, just your life, just your decisions."

Welcome to the world!

Too many years in the dark, too many years in the back of the people, now I see the light, my laptop's screen light, maybe someone could hear me, my feelings my expressions my things I have no one to tell those things, like a BFF or something or something...? I am not that ugly ones that have no life and just want the populars affection, I don't care about people, but I care about me, my family and, it's hard to me (even writing it) I care about love.So many yesrs I've been like "oh God! Love's so stupid, I can't believe it hurts, or you feel truly happy if the ones you love talk to you" but inside I knew all these words were just lies I feel love, I feel pain, and I feel happy (like truly happy) when the guy I love just say "hi" to me, it's weird right? How just a word from someone can make so many emotions on your sistem, it can take you from bottom and sent you to top or upside down, yep, like "I have a girlfriend" and you pretend being happy for your friend when you are just beating down. That was just an introduction to my life.I hope to see you tomorrow.

xoxo. Lalo.

"No regrets, no apologizes, just your life, just your decisions."